Me and “Sensational” Food

I think it’s great that I’ve built a reputation amongst my friends as a foodie, and I appreciate when folks point me towards links demonstrating some kind of “sensational” food find – I always want to know what the trends in food are and what people are doing. A bunch of folks have recently told me about things being done with bacon: bacon explosion, caramelized bacon, and so on.

But I have to say, it is with most humble sincerity that I must submit: that kind of thing is KID STUFF.

I once made a five pound pizza. Pound of dough, pound of cheese, pound each of bacon, sausage, pepperoni. I made it in a huge deep dish pan, and it was so greasy the oils literally fried the one inch deep crust all the way through to the bottom. Not even The Angry Maw could finish more than one slice!! After doing that, I had the idea of having the “five pound foods” party – making things like a five pound burger, five pounds of nachos, five pounds of chili, and so on. Never quite got that far though, the five pound pizza made it seem… impractical, to say the least.

Then there was the time I made (with the help of two sous chefs towards the end, one was a vegetarian serving wench!) a meal for 10 called The Morning Eye Opener. YES. I literally prepared all of those items on a plate for ten people each. It took about a week of preparation, and five hours of execution to cook it all. I timed everything down to the minute so I could deliver all the food hot on the plate at the same time. I bought ten serving platters at the dollar store so I could serve all the food on them. The only thing I didn’t do was attempt to make a giant tortilla to wrap it all into a Breakfast Burrito. After the cooking was complete, every surface in the kitchen was literally coated in a sheen of pork grease, and the floor was almost too slippery to walk on. Take a look.

I singlehandedly hosted and catered a 50 person Super Bowl party at my scary haunted house in Worcester in 2004. I made vegetarian, vegan, and meat-laden versions of every dish I prepared (hors d’oeuvres, pizzas, giant sandwiches, snack mixes, and so on).

I was part of a “meat luck” party where every dish that people brought to the party needed to contain, at a minimum, two kinds of meat to be considered a meat dish. A bowl of bacon was considered “salad”. One of the dishes at that party was a bacon explosion of sorts, though it contained pork loin, venison, bacon, and sausage.

Another idea I’ve had with friends and never followed through on, but would be willing to do: The Hot Sauce Roulette Pot Luck Party. Proceed as follows: Invite N people to a pot luck party (include self). Ask invitees to prepare a dish with N-1 servings – one of the servings to contain an overwhelmingly spicy ingredient. It is critical that all servings look and smell exactly the same! Spicy ingredients must be internal or well hidden. At the time of the party, all invitees eat the same dish (except the person who brought it) at the same time, at which point one discovers the spicy foodstuff. At the end awards would be given out for “Most Spicy Food Found”, “Least Spicy Food Found”, “Lucky Bastard”, “Tastiest Dish” and so on.

So, yes, it is with all modesty that I must admit that things like the bacon explosion are child’s play indeed.